amtrak humor

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Joined
Feb 25, 2006
Messages
2,232
Location
nine mile falls, washington
a conductor on the cz last week told an amusing story over the pa when announcing a stop(we have all heard it before but it's funny just the same). i will relate the tale but was also wondering what other railroad humor, applicable to amtrak, board members might want to relate. anyway, the conductor said he wanted to apologize to anyone inconvenienced by our running slightly late. he said we were doing a lot better than the zephyrs of the previous week. as a matter of fact, this conductor was walking through a coach on one of those very late trains and was stopped by an obviously very pregnant passenger. "conductor," she said "if we don't get to our stop soon, you may have to deliver this baby." well," said the conductor "maybe you should have thought more about it and not have gotten on this train in your condition." "conductor," the lady replied "when i got on this train i wasn't in this condition."

it was a nice amtrak moment and i think defused anyone's irritation at being a bit late. what amtrak humor have you to relate?
 
Joined
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6,524
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Chicago
One time I got on the eb in Seattle bound for Chicago. I overheard the sca introducing himself to a passenger in another room. She asked him "is this train going to be on-time getting to Chicago?" In a snippy tone. The sca replied, "if I could tell you that I wouldn't be here right now. I would have picked the winning lotto numbers and retired."
 
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Shortline

Conductor
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Mar 13, 2011
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All over the United States
A train operating in joint trackage rights territory called the dispatcher to compare watches and the time. Dispatcher answers "it depends-if you're CSX it's 0932. If you're NS, it's 9:32 AM. If you're Amtrak, it's Tuesday.
 

NorthCoastHiawatha

OBS Chief
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Feb 21, 2009
Messages
543
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Bellingham, WA
A joke my great grandfather used to tell (station agent on the Great Northern) passed down through the family. A passenger arrives at the station, and sees the a train arriving and says "trains on time today", the agent says "yeah but that's yesterday's train"
 
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bgiaquin

Service Attendant
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Aug 5, 2013
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219
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Minnesota
My step-dad is a big jokster. He, my mom, and I were riding the Builder over christmas break and I told him about the whole "trains can make up time" phrase. He replied "what kind of time are you talking about?, make believe time?." I said "haha, no, actual time. Where did come up with make believe time?" He just looked at me and said, " this is Amtrak we are talking here."
 

railiner

Engineer
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Mar 20, 2009
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My favorite 'rail comedian' was D&RGW Assistant Conductor Billings, that worked the newly rerouted CZ between Denver and Grand Junction in the mid eighties before Amtrak took over the employment of the crews....

He had previously worked the Rio Grande Zephyr whose PA system was long out of service, so when given the opportunity to use the one in the new Superliner, he really 'hammed it up"....

He started the trip with the usual required announcement. After that formality was over, he started by telling about points of view along the way. When approaching the Moffat Tunnel, he said that Amtrak has expended thousands of dollars to paint beautiful scenic murals on the inside tunnel walls for the entertainment of the passengers during the six mile passage. But unfortunately, the lights were not working today, so to use your flashlights to view them, and if you didn't have one, to ask your neighbor....(yes there were a few gullible victims of this prank!) :p

As we began our long ride along the Colorado River, he told of a 'world famous lady rafter that has issued a racing challenge to the train's engineer, "Mad Dog Schenley". He would occasionally announce position updates of this 'race'.... :D .
 

trainman74

Conductor
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Sherman Oaks, CA
As we began our long ride along the Colorado River, he told of a 'world famous lady rafter that has issued a racing challenge to the train's engineer, "Mad Dog Schenley". He would occasionally announce position updates of this 'race'.... :D .
Let me guess: at some point, he would just announce "THERE SHE GOES!", everyone would rush to one side of the Sightseer Lounge, and the sudden shift in weight would cause the train to derail. :D
 

railiner

Engineer
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As we began our long ride along the Colorado River, he told of a 'world famous lady rafter that has issued a racing challenge to the train's engineer, "Mad Dog Schenley". He would occasionally announce position updates of this 'race'.... :D .
Let me guess: at some point, he would just announce "THERE SHE GOES!", everyone would rush to one side of the Sightseer Lounge, and the sudden shift in weight would cause the train to derail. :D
Well your half right! The rush of passenger's to the river side had no effect on the train.... :lol:

Neither did the jokester's that would occasionally shout: "Buffalo!"........ ;)
 
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Joined
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nine mile falls, washington
"amtrek" is great. thanks a lot. we are all choking on our breakfast laughing. of course, if we were on board amtrak then amtrek might ask were we choking on the humor or on our amtrak breakfasts

For overall humor directed at Amtrak some folks like "Amtrek," a satirical site with a number of different sections: http://amtrek.net/contents.html
 

railiner

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Another favorite was Amtrak/IC Conductor Woody Vinson, who worked the City of New Orleans....

He was not quite so much a comedian as a story teller, and tour guide, especially relating the story of legendary IC Engineer John Luther ("Casey") Jones....

When reaching the infamous fatal wreck site at Vaughan, Ms., he excitedly told everyone that it was RIGHT THERE! as they passed by....

He asked for volunteers to "please come to the 'speaker'", if they could sing the song, "The Legend of Casey Jones"....after a while, with no volunteers, he pleaded for someone to come even if they only knew "The Wabash Cannonball".

His run ended at Durant (he pronounced it 'DOO-rant'), and he bid farewell to the thru passenger's, telling them he'd see them again, "later in life"....

Quite a colorful character.....
 

oldtimer

OBS Chief
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Sep 23, 2006
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902
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rollin along the high iron
A train operating in joint trackage rights territory called the dispatcher to compare watches and the time. Dispatcher answers "it depends-if you're CSX it's 0932. If you're NS, it's 9:32 AM. If you're Amtrak, it's Tuesday.
I heard that the dispatcher told the UP crew that the big hand was just beyond 6 and the little hand was between 9 and 10.

Remember that UP is right in the middle of stupid!

In Diesel shops GE means Guaranteed Employment!
 
Joined
Nov 9, 2016
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614
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Portsmouth, VA
Passenger to seatmate: Man, this train is as slow as syrup.

Seatmate: Well, it IS the Maple Leaf, after all!!!

default_tongue.png
 
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KmH

Engineer
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Dec 6, 2014
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Is this heaven? No. It's Iowa.
On my last Amtrak trip I overheard a conversation a young man was having with a Conductor about music. The Conductor said he was a rapper.

The young man asked him what his rapper name was. The Conductor said his rapper name was To Trains.
 
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Anderson

Engineer
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Nov 16, 2010
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Virginia
Someone at a NARP meeting a few years ago had an edited Dilbert cartoon imagining Dogbert (mis)managing Amtrak. It was classic.
 

randomguy65

Train Attendant
Joined
Jul 11, 2015
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22
821 Heartland Flyer was running late due to a track issue. About 3 hours.

Passenger across from me was venting to someone on his cell phone.

"I thought it was called the Heartland Flyer, not the Heartland Sit-here-and-do-nothin'!"
 

greatcats

Engineer
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
2,385
Location
Flagstaff, Arizona
Many years ago at Hoboken Terminal we had a gateman Mr. Louis Coleman, who looked quite distinguished in his uniform. One afternoon rush hour, he was standing next to the old indicator board, which read: “ 5:00 Suffern” followed by the intermediate stops. A man rushed up to Louis and asked, “ What time does the 5 o’clock train leave?” Louis looked at his watch and with a big smile replied, “ 4:60!”

Sent from my iPhone using Amtrak Forum
 

striker64

Train Attendant
Joined
Apr 15, 2016
Messages
49
Recently we rode the Northeast Regional and stopped at Newark Airport. The conductor announced it and said, "Newark Airport. If you really want to get off a train to go to an airport, there's one here."

Upon arriving at Penn Station, something along the lines of "We have arrived in beautiful Penn Station, New York, New York. Between 31st and 33rd St, and 7th and 8th Ave. Upon exiting the train, watch your step over the cavernous gap between the train and platform."

A nice bit of brevity.

Sent from my HTC U11 using Tapatalk
 

Bob Dylan

50+ Year Amtrak Rider
AU Supporting Member
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May 31, 2009
Messages
24,662
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Austin Texas
Some of the Conductors on the TE between SAS and FTW are known for their witty announcements such as when Approaching a Stop will, for example, announce "Taylor Texas, Last Call!" even before stopping @ the Station!

On the Sunset Route between SAS and LAX I've heard "Alpine, next stop.This is a Fresh Air/Smoking stop, but stay Trainside and don't wander off. Next Train is in Three Days if you miss this one!"
 

Chey

Lead Service Attendant
Joined
Sep 27, 2014
Messages
475
Location
NW TX
A train operating in joint trackage rights territory called the dispatcher to compare watches and the time. Dispatcher answers "it depends-if you're CSX it's 0932. If you're NS, it's 9:32 AM. If you're Amtrak, it's Tuesday.
Funny!
 
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